i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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