Your face is a jimmy john
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
