I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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