Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
