Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
