Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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