think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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