I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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