No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
