I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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