In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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