she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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