Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
