we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
