I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
