saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
