my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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