The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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