i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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