Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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