Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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