I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she looked like the before picture.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
