I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
