We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
