I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
