What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
