I'm sorry my penis didn't work
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
