I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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