his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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