What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
