dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
