we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
