I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
