he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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