this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
