You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize