You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize