I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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