Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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