remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
