Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
