i permit you to call me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Two words: nipple clamps
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