I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
