I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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