my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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