She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize