i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
