i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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