you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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