my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
