i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
