My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
