I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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