I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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