quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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