I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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