I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
