I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
