OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
