My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm getting married
To pizza
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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