he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
